A range of quiz Apps has been developed to include questions from the GCSE syllabus. Right now twelve subjects are covered in the InQuizitor apps, with more in development.

Billed as the latest in high calibre weaponised knowledge, the apps cost £1.79 each and offer between 250 and 1000 questions on each topic.

“The designers (Mastertronic) clearly know how to stimulate and engage the pupils into learning without the pupil actually realising that learning is taking place” said L Obre PT, Bannockburn High School, lauding the inclusion of stealth learning technology.

Meanwhile, on the frontline, Ignorance has retreated to a network of Bradford Comprehensives after a brief skirmish with Knowledge’s 101^st Biology Division.

It’s only some tracks from the game (and a couple of ringtones?) but one of the songs that stands out is the Stats Song. I haven’t played the game but hearing that over a stats screen would be genuinely funny.

For anyone who missed it, here’s the launch trailer for the game.

First it was Global Agenda and Lord of the Rings Online that were scrambling for free-loaders. Now Champions Online wants to open up to people who “see subscription fees as a barrier to entry.”

The switch is scheduled for Q1 of 2011 but there will be a closed beta starting on November 9 which will be open to some current players and new folk (although Cryptic Studios don’t specify how to get in).

We are assured that the entire game will be available to play for no cost. But as usual there is a catch. Way down on the relevant FAQ page they mention that non-subscribers (called Silver Members) are limited to playing as an “Archetype” which feature a pre-built skill tree as opposed to the more open skill selection and Custom Classes which are only available to subscribers (Gold Members – ha).

There are some other provisos, as can be expected, which you should probably check it out if you already play and are thinking about down-grading. Or even if you’re new and interested in giving it a go.

It’ll have multiplayer modes enabled too, however. Thanks to the wonders of future-tech, all head-to-head titles will have single-card and multi-card multiplayer.

And if you are unhealthily, worringly, bafflingly interested in Atari classics, they also include the old manuals for each game, as well as a trivia quiz.

The PR release boasts that “a retro gaming revolution will be ignited on the Nintendo DS.” Normally the word ’revolution’ implies progress. But I guess they’re using it in the ‘endlessly repeating cycle’ sense.

Shall I compare thee to abusive men?
Thy past absolved and yet thou will frustrate,
Thy crimes against design beyond your ken
And ‘fore old lovers yet thou will prostrate.
Sometime too slow the feet of Sonic move
And oft’ the player hurts, is harsh punish’d
By every fair and unfair death we prove
Old rules be damned, old rulers be admonish’d.
And it’s these two unjust hours give us pause
To think, to lift nostalgia’s golden veil,
And see, and weep upon his fatal flaws,
This most abusive lover, all his Fail.
So long as hedgehogs run or foxes fly,
So long lives this, a generation’s sigh.

The above sonnet has been falsely attributed to puritan John Milton. In fact it was Tudor period rap star Will I Am Shakespeare who was the author. A man who, as we all know, went on to base the characters in his comedy Twelfth Night on the cross-dressing sequences of Final Fantasy VII. Note the detail of Shakey’s enthusiasm for transvestism – the feminine ending of “admonish’d” is a thinly veiled insult, inferring a confusion of Sonic Team’s sexual preferences.

It’s easy for Shakespeare to criticise. Partly because he’s Dubya Fucking Shakespeare. Partly because he was right – Sonic 4 is rubbish. The idea makes sense. Not many people have liked the little blue fella since what they term his 2D golden age. The transition to 3D was painful – and it continues to be painful. Sonic Adventure for the Dreamcast was a noble stab at a good 3D conversion. But no matter how noble, it was still a stab. It still left a wound. Introducing Sonic to a third dimension was like introducing a toddler to a hyena. The baffling thing is that every so often Sonic Team has a severe memory lapse and tries it again. And again. And again. The toddler is now a teenager. He doesn’t go out often because he feels self-conscious. On account of his missing face. The hyena is fat. He wears a suit. Lives in a house with a white picket fence. Has a job in the film industry. The hyena is doing very well for himself indeed.

It seems that all this has been realised. A return to 2D form was clearly the best option. There is certainly a market for it. Observe Nintendo reworking some of their own classics like Kirby and Kong much to the glee of old fans. Sentimentality sells.

This is how the last Chilean got out.

Sega’s attempt to do the same in the form of Sonic 4 was flawed from the moment of conception. The Blue One has not aged well. This seems to be reflected in his speed. He sets off at a geriatric pace, hindered by an invisibly coded Zimmer frame. Remember that old Saturday morning Sonic cartoon? Remember the one where Robotnik gave Sonic the natural characteristics of a sloth? You don’t? Well, it happened. And that’s what starting a run in this game feels like. He only picks up any speed after you’ve built up a solid run aided by the level’s springs and launch pads. When that happens it actually manages to be enjoyable. Particularly pleasing are the speedy sequences where you surf a deck of cards across the Casino Night inspired level. Or when you race through dark tunnels in a mine in the Labyrinth Zone rip-off. Or when you wobble about, trying to keep your balance atop an ancient boulder. A smile will rise, despite the feeling that all the levels have been torn out of previous games and supplanted here. Briefly, you will be taunted by flashbacks of youthful days spent racing a blue blur round loop-the-loops.

I said “briefly”.

No sooner than you’ve got off to a speed worthy of Sonic’s name, you’ve run straight into one of the game’s many robo-knobs. These mechanical obstructions! They are the digital equivalent of charity workers who stand in every town centre, smiling manically at consumers, brandishing Good Will – that most dreaded of all weapons. Through karma or fate or some other unknown design you will discover them in your path. Forming a phalanx with their clipboards, pens jutting out like inky claws. Funnelled by the Hot Gates of the High Street, you have no option but to run straight into them. Before you know it, you’ve lost all of your gold rings.

There’s just something that feels “cheap” about the enemies in Sonic 4. They are an intentional hindrance that could only have been avoided if the player had prior knowledge of their positioning. In this way Sonic reflects the Scalextric set. There lies the promise of speed, action, a hit of adrenaline. What gets delivered is disappointment. A “race” in which the cars have to be placed back on the track after every turn.

Boss battles offer only an amplification of the annoyance caused by common baddies. The first couple are easy enough (and very familiar). The rest are a frustration far beyond human measure. One particular face-off with Robotnik involves chasing him down while water rises below you, threatening a stern drowning. When you finally catch up to Doc R he calls to aid a lot of ancient columns to squash you during the fight, causing insta-death when caught between them. This wouldn’t be so bad if every time you died you didn’t have to repeat the entire look-out-don’t-drown sequence. In a final insult, the player has to repeat all previous boss fights in the ultimate showdown with the good doctor. If patience had a kidney, Sonic 4 would punch it.

Balls.

And yet… And yet… it is much worse than that. The familiarity you feel when playing through the game is more than just recognition of the levels. More than closeness to the retro music or sound effects. More even than a kinship to the spiky hero. It is that all of the complaints, all the problems that ever plagued a Sonic game are still there. His acceleration was always a bit on the Skoda side. Maybe not to this extent but even in the original Sonic the Hedgehog you had to jump forward at the start of a level to force some speed on yourself. And the enemies always got in the way – that was the whole point. The placement of enemies is always likely to seem unfair if they are put directly in your path, since you never have time to see the hazard coming. (But the alternative – to always keep them out of Sonic’s track – would mean the possibility of speeding right past every one of them. Such an alternative begs the question: why put the Badniks in at all, if the result is that the only challenge remaining is the environment?) Similarly with frustrating bosses – they are supposed to be a life-drain, a nigh impassable obstacle. At least, in the 1990s they were.

Aye, there’s the rub, as Will I Am Shakespeare would say. To buy Sonic 4 is to buy a (near) carbon copy of Sonic the Hedgehog. Everything that was good or bad about the original is transferred to this release. Yet it is not so much a pleasant trip down Memory Lane as it is a mugging down Memory Back-alley, forcing even the most ardent fan to become disillusioned, to realise an essential truth – What was good about Sonic games in the 90s has long been surpassed. But what was bad about Sonic games in the 90s is still bad.

MLG Rating: 4/10

Platform: PlayStation 3 (Xbox 360, Wii)  Release Date: 11/10/2010

Disclosure: Midlife Gamer were provided a digital copy of Sonic 4: Episode 1 for review purposes by the promoter. The title was reviewed over the course of five days on a PS3. For more information on what our scores mean, plus details of our reviews policy, click here.

Dead Space 2

Since the sequel remains essentially unchanged in format a lot of players at the Eurogamer Expo (myself included) found that, for a time, they didn’t know what do to. Either they asked one of the EA attendants for aid – “mEAdic!” – or they put the pad down and quietly slinked away from the stand, a corrosive embarrassment quickly going to work on their delicate psyche. This unlucky multitude, they made a discovery: even when you are surrounded by geeks of a much higher calibre, it is still possible to be ashamed of yourself.

So, there are still massive, unknowable contraptions. There are still necromorphs. There is still the parting of limbs from body and the grand set-pieces which form the unique selling point of the series. And it is still very much a jumpy horror title as opposed to true, terrifying suspense. Dead Space 2 is the kind of game that is happy to pull the sudden scare card instead of – HOLY FUCK-MONGRELS IT’S AN ANGRY TODDLER WITH SHARP BITS AND MALE PATTERN BALDNESS.

Oh, baby baby.

As said, essentially unchanged. Which could be a good or bad thing depending on your reception of the original.

The game relies heavily on this scare tactic. It is a pity then that the demo set-up had no headphones present. The noise from the Expo floor drowned out any of the atmosphere the sound is supposed to help build in a horror game. The sound effects of the original Dead Space were superb. Distant creaks would echo through corridors – a metal pipe, expanding in the heat of a star’s ray? Or an unknown terror, scurrying over the remains of a ravaged control room? I’ve always thought those responsible for such effects are absolutely the unsung heroes of Visceral Games. So imagine the disappointment when I couldn’t hear anything beyond gunshots from the telly’s speakers. In Dead Space, no one can hear Isaac Clarke scream. No, really. You could see his radio transmitting. But all you could hear was –

“Wow. Killzone 3 looks really bad.”

“You’re supposed to wear the 3D glasses, fuckwit.”

For this reason, I can’t judge the sound. A major annoyance. Someone at the Expo or at EA should be slapping themselves hard in the face for such a careless (yet innocent) oversight. That said, if I have faith in any developer in terms of spooky groans and spatial discord (oh, that gorgeous suction sound upon entering vacuum) it’s Visceral.

Isaac’s voice was an especially interesting feature which players missed out on because of this. In contrast to the last game, Isaac is to be given a place in the dialogue and a splash of character. His psychological well-being is slated to be a major theme, revealing a man who was not meant to be Gung-Ho Space Marine #179 but a man who is slowly falling apart at the neurological seams. The first time I saw Isaac unmasked in my playthrough was when a necromorph grappled him, tore off his helmet and vomited a steamy torrent of acidic liquid straight into the poor man’s face. He fell to the floor, clutching his throat and began vomiting himself, before slumping. Inert. Dead.

As deaths go, this was the most visually disturbing to me. Far worse than the time he was ripped to pieces by some rampaging beast with a gammy arm. Worse than the time he was torn asunder in the vacuum of space by the same creature, when his disembodied hand floated neatly past the screen – a piece of gory, interstellar flotsam. This feels like a game that isn’t satisfied by simply relaying one man’s plight – it wants to include you in his nightmare. It wants to traumatise both of you. I died nine or ten times, always in different ways. I’m not sure, but I think that is more times than I died during the entirety of the first game. It may be fair to say the difficulty has been ramped up.

Be gentle.

Although the constant dying never got irritating (it was always some error of the player) it seems Dead Space 2 is not without its frustrations. When a set-piece monster grabs you, you become unable to swap weapons. If you have a stupidly precise weapon equipped it can become difficult to hit the monster’s dedicated sweet spot. More so because the camera insists on shaking like a malfunctioning Buckaroo with choleric fever. Spectacle is good. It was a defining element of Dead Space. But when you aren’t sure whether it is possible to fire off a shot or not because of the cinematic camerawork it becomes interference in play.

Quicktime events also make a reappearance, although they all seem to involve simply bashing the X button over and over, so maybe that doesn’t qualify as quicktime. I’m not really bothered about this kind of feature but I know it is something that gets people’s goats. It gets their goats and it does awful things to them. Poor goats.

Apart from giving Isaac a voice, a personality (hopefully) and a jetpack, the sequel doesn’t seem to be doing anything dramatically different from the first. On release, the new setting, enemies and weapons will undoubtedly reveal whether it does more than simply appease the fans. The formula seems to work though. It remains enjoyable despite the familiarity. Perhaps appeasement is all Dead Space 2 has to deliver, being less concerned with changing the formula than it is with applying the formula with style.

Ubisoft didn’t mind the change and started work on Shaun White Skateboarding, probably hoping to muscle in on Tony Hawk’s scene and the Skate series.

The idea of the game is that the world is an oppressed, grey and lifeless place. Until you pop shove it right in the face of The Man. Yeah. Rad. Then, the area around your trick will transform into a more colourful and skate-worthy place.

From the following trailer there is also a clear emphasis on multiplayer and pullin’ ridickidunk moves with your peeps. Aw, yeah.

The name actually owes more to Blade Runner than anything else, the main character being a bounty hunter cat-lady called Kit. Not the kind of cat-lady that lives in that ramshackle house down the road, who sits inside perfecting her squint. No. The kind of sexualised cat-lady with furry ears and a tail. Aye, the ones that were explicitly invented so that internet commenters could make jokes using Naughty Word of the Year 1999, “pussy.”

It would be very difficult to explain the story behind Kit’s adventure. The sales blurb pitches the game as “you are a bounty hunter, go bounty hunt innit.” The cinematics are a touch more cryptic. It opens with an English blonde girl stealing your contract but before long that’s all done with and you’re simpering around helping nuns and farmers for no discernable gain. Kit is a rubbish bounty hunter. At one point the game forces you to help the very soldiers that have been firing at you the whole time. As part of a story arc this is actually a nice touch. Or it would have been if the soldiers didn’t continue trying to laser your whiskers off. It’s nonsensical and difficult to follow any character’s motivation.

The inexplicable plot is only made worse by the cringe-worthy dialogue that feels like it belongs in a 80s kids cartoon. The visual style suggests that this is exactly what it wants to be. (It is worth saying that the artistry of the characters, creatures and environments is very likable. Aesthetically, it is a barrage of colour from inventive artillery. That’s what you get when you use an established medium as inspiration, in this case Steve Stamatiadis’ webcomic.)

Here lies the problem: it is impossible to tell who this game wants to appeal to. Only stupid children would find the dialogue funny. Only Uri Geller would understand the plot. And only those inclined to bestiality would find the characters compelling. It’s a mindjob. And not a pleasant one.

Be not concerned. It's just a hair-dryer.

The platforming is standard. All the usual functions are there, ticked off the checklist on the back page of The Big Book of Running and Jumping and Stuff. Double jump, close quarters attack, slightly ranged attack, blocks, powered attacks. The different types of attack are almost enough to save the game from button-mashing tedium. In terms of simplicity, it would satisfy a kid. If, like me, you’re a grown-up with a grown-up job and a grown-up fridge full of grown-up leftover tins of chilli frankfurters in brine and your grown-up fridge magnets read “FuCk thE CabBage pAtcH KIds”, then this simplicity will translate to tedium.

The worst offence in platformers is rigid or sticky or clunky or clusterfucked controls. Thankfully, Blade Kitten is mostly fluid enough in its execution. Kit can climb on any surface simply by holding the directional button toward it upon contact.

The ease of this mechanic is something to be grateful for, considering the levels are large, sprawling affairs full of hidden routes and secret areas. Along with the visuals, the level design is probably the best thing about it. It feels inspired by old school 2D titles like Super Metroid. It could never live up to that measure of distilled fun but the influence does Blade Kitten some favours. The only irritating thing is when enemies will introduce themselves from the background, coming toward the screen and onto your path. Working along a single straight line is fine. It’s what platformers do. But when other characters are allowed to explore the depth of a level it is frustrating when you can’t do the same. Even Crash Bandicoot could slip off from the rails and walk in four directions. It feels like Kit is wearing blinkers. Either that or she’s just thick. She’s as thick as… I was going to say a copy of War and Peace. But War and Peace is for clever people. Kit is not clever. She’s as thick as… as The Big Book of Running and Jumping and Stuff.

It's not all cutesy. Look at that. It's a monster.

It doesn’t help that when she runs she can be a bit slippery. As if the ladies and gentlemen at KROME studios based the game on a planet where all the floors are constantly maintained by a uniformed battalion of wax-gremlins. The only other possibility is that all the character research that went into Kit’s half-human, half-animelolcat was done on YouTube.

Blade Kitten gets a bit mixed up. The story is ludicrous. It is guano-insane and doesn’t flow well at all. Mechanically speaking, it is adequate and the art and level design can be very good at times. But in an age when platforming has so much more to give, with titles like And Yet It Moves and Trine, no sane adult would buy this. All the elements that can keep kids occupied are there. And yet, even kids can do better.

MLG Rating: 5/10

Platform: PlayStation 3 (Xbox 360, PC) Release Date: 23/09/2010

Disclosure: Midlife Gamer were provided a digital copy of Blade Kitten for review purposes by the promoter. The title was reviewed over the course of seven days on a PlayStation 3. For more information on what our scores mean, plus details of our reviews policy, click here.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily work out. Some households may have multiple Wiis, for instance. Or some households may have been, er, overlooked. Even Census data isn’t 100% accurate. There is no way to check this figure, short of dossing round to everyone’s house and asking to have a go on Raving Rabbids.

Nevertheless it is a coy way of Nintendo showing off how well they have done (as if we don’t already know).

Oh, but they won’t be satisfied, will they? Another tsunami of advertising is on its way to push Nintendo products to the abstaining two-thirds of the country. Including those TV ads with vaguely recognisable celebrities bouncing around on couches having fun. Do not be fooled, dear reader! They are not having any fun at all. Nintendo have devised a cunning ruse, you see. They are, in fact, pretending to have fun. Conspiracy of the highest order. Shhh. When I’m assassinated, you’ll see.

Yes. Ant and/or Dec, That Redknapp Lot and Sir Terry “Christ I’m Annoying” Wogan will all be making an appearance on your televisual unit. There’s no escape. On top of that, a lot of people with the Ex-Factor will be popping up. Alexandra Burke will pop up. JLS will pop up. Oh, heavens. Jedward will pop-up. It will be like playing a game of whack-a-mole with your TV remote. It may be more horrifying. Possibly a lot of psychological ramifications. A lot of people rage-quitting their dinner in disgust.

But don’t worry, dear reader. Because this woman will also appear.

God Save the Qwiin

That’s right. Oscar winning Dame Helen Mirren will be representing Wii Fit Plus. If there is anyone you can trust, it is the Lady that played Her Majesty. The Dame has been talking about how she keeps herself in shape between film shoots, according to Nintendo’s PR lot.

“The Wii is fun,” (they said) she said “And it’s infinitely varied. You can hula, jog, yoga, step, all in one session. It challenges you, and you do it at home, so nobody need see you in those old yoga pants and torn t shirt. It’s my new best friend.”

A lot of people have been comparing the central conceit (that of having a specific target while also being targeted by someone else) to that of The Ship.

It’s true that the idea is not a new one. Like I’ve said, it is essentially the Assassin game university students play between lectures, sometimes for weeks on end, complete with kill reports and leaderboards.

From what I know of The Ship, a similar feeling of suspense is definitely replicated by Ubisoft but added to that is a glorious element of panic. When the player who is trying to assassinate you breaks cover, a dangerous red blinks fearfully at you from the screen, an authoritarian font reads “Run Away!” and a counter tells you exactly how many meters they are behind you. 7 meters. You leap through gates, slamming them behind you. 10 meters. You grab a pulley cable and lurch to the rooftops. 15 meters. You bound off onto the street and through the crowded market. 20 meters. The screen commands you again, this time in a cautious amber “Hide!” You stand next to a vegetable stall and begin heckling with the attendant – “You have escaped!”

Relief grabs you by the throat.

No, wait – that’s not relief. It’s a priest with a knife. And he’s stabbing you. He’s stabbing you right in your pride. (That’s in the gut area). You notice the two icons hovering at the top left of your HUD. Two little red riding hoods. That means you were doing too well and the game assigned two players to come after you to balance things out. You escaped the freaky looking doctor. You didn’t even see the priest.

It’s a good touch this. Not only does it balance the game out and make for Mario Kart-like last minute victory snatching, it is also genuinely terrifying to be getting chased by three people at once (and equally satisfying if you manage to evade all three for a long stretch of time).

You don’t just need to rely on acrobatics and the environment to get away. At the character selection screen (and during respawn) you can decide on special abilities or equipment to aid you. Smoke Bombs slow down and disorientate your attacker if they run through the haze, while Disguise changes your character model, making you unrecognisable. There’s a Gun ability too but it takes a little bit of effort to put it to good use since you have to spend some time standing perfectly still while locking on to your target – a tense prospect considering at any moment you might get a spike in the back of your head.

It is an undeniably fun game. I defy you – defy you – to find anyone who doesn’t enjoy sneaking around and looking over their shoulder for fear of death by a barber’s shaving knife. Although, there are some reservations about the longevity of such a multiplayer experience. People can play Call of Modern Racism 2 almost every day for years. It remains to be seen if a game that subverts the established multiplayer deathmatch style will hold people’s attention for as long as the most refined shooters. It is fun to play now but will it be such a novel experience after a month of play time? Possibly not. But to be honest, if the game remains as enjoyable as it’s current form, even a month of novelty will be worth the price tag.